One of the most prominent early hurdles in an open relationship is undoubtedly jealousy. We’ve been indoctrinated our entire lives that traditional, monogamous relationships are the safest experience. And that a partner exploring physical or mental connections with someone outside the relationship is immoral.
But that’s the thing with the open relationship discovery period. Both partners begin to see the traditional relationship concepts in the light of day, which exposed a variety of contradictions and hypocrisies.
But alas, our hardwiring is tough to negotiate, much less change. It can take time to cope with early open relationship jealousy.
In today’s article, we’ll discuss some ways to help you move through the early jealousy phase in a more expedited fashion.
What Is Jealousy?
If you want to combat one of life’s most complex emotions, you need to understand what it is.
Jealousy refers to feelings and thoughts that center around insecurities which can result in anger, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy.
Jealousy is a central theme in many relationship dysfunctions, including coworkers, marriages, friendships, and neighbors.
First, Accept Jealousy as Natural
In the early phase of an open relationship, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a human being with complex emotions and a history of specific life experiences. You’re gonna feel all the feels when change comes around.
Its important to understand that jealousy is natural. Mainstream relationship pressure has heightened our feelings of what should make us jealous. This goes far beyond open relationships. Marketing can cause us to experience unsavory jealousy when our neighbor buys a new car.
Managing early jealousy isn’t about burying your feelings, or telling yourself your feelings are “stupid.” Instead, let the feelings flow. Sit in those feelings. Acknowledge they exist because your a complex human being and accept that it’s OK. The worst thing you can do is come down hard on yourself for experiencing human feelings.
Beyond that, you’ll want to take some additional steps.
Understand the Insecurity
At the heart of jealousy we find insecurity. We may not want to admit it, but the neighbor’s new car makes you feel bad because you feel the neighbor is now more successful than you. And that causes an inner-conflict because you may deny this insecurity, therefore, you never get to the root of it. If you never get the root of the jealousy, it goes on.
In open relationships, we jealous feelings and reactions aren’t centered around material goods, rather, the introduction of new partners.
Maybe you feel the new partner is more attractive than yourself or more fun? This can cause you to feel your partner may desire the new partner more than you. The math here is simple, but solving the equation can be a struggle.
“Be real with ourselves about what our insecurities are, where they come from, what we do to keep them alive, and what we could potentially start doing to transform them into secure bases of existence,” recommends clinical psychologist Dr. Dena DiNardo, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
You need to get real with yourself, identify the exact insecurity, and discuss that insecurity with your partner. That’s part of the critical process in an open relationship. That discomfort is a healthy signal that you’re doing the relationship work that matters. This insecurity existed prior to embarking on an open relationship with your partner. Maybe you can think of times you felt jealous of your partner’s coworkers, or college friends. This is an insecurity that needed your attention years prior. The advent of your open relationship may be spotlighting it, but it is equally going to foster an environment ripe with heartfelt communications and relationship transcendence.
Communicate
Ah, communication.
We sure say that a lot around these parts.
We mentioned it earlier, but it deserves its very own section.
Communication is at the core of an open relationship. Partners in an open relationship must communicate boundaries, desires, and eventually, their insecurities. This is why open relationship couples grow and eventually, thrive.
Communicating what makes you feel jealous is not only therapeutic, but it’s a part of the problem solving experience. When your partner is aware of what makes you feel down, they can help lift you up.
Work on Fostering Trust
You and your partner need to work on an environment that fosters trust.
You can do this by making things like empathy, boundaries, and mutual respect for feelings as the centerpiece of your open relationship journey.
Being able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand their feelings is a crucial part of maintaining trust. If your actions are causing discomfort or pain, empathy can help you understand and work towards a solution.
Trust, in any relationship, is a cornerstone. But in an open relationship, trust is the essential factor that makes or breaks the experience.
Some Open Relationship Resources
Continued open relationship education is critical during the early parts of your journey. Our open relationship blog offers helpful and educational open relationship guides. There’s also numerous helpful podcasts, we’ve listed some below.
- Multiamory Podcast: This podcast offers insights into non-traditional relationship structures, covering a range of topics such as communication, jealousy, and societal norms.
- Normalizing Non-Monogamy: Interviews with people in non-monogamous relationships, providing a platform for people to share their experiences and advice.
- The Savage Lovecast: Hosted by Dan Savage, this podcast discusses a range of sex and relationship topics, including open relationships.
- Loving Without Boundaries: This podcast, hosted by Kitty Chambliss, explores the challenges and advantages of ethical non-monogamy.
You’re going to make it. There are numerous benefits to an open relationship, but nothing great happens in our lives unless we step out of our comfort zones. Keep doing the work, you’ll get there.